i was doing fine around my most recent serious romance ending after only a few months - hit a point where i realized it was for the best, have been doing Operation Commune With The Other in other areas of my life, etc. but i was listening to the Disco Elysium soundtrack and started thinking about how rare it is for me to meet people who make me feel seen and who i also see intuitively and who feel so familiar to me and i broke down bawling for a good while. i know it's something i'll find again - and hopefully with someone more ready for serious intimacy - but still. but still.....

Nah ima blow up their spot heavy

oh god oh fuck

as i get more involved with comrades irl, the primal terror around meeting one of you in the wild grows.....

paul schraders cat people is an interesting and horny film. i'm not sure i'd recommend it or quite call it "good," but it was an interesting ride. watched for spooky season but it's not really a horror movie.

(nastassja kinski is a very attractive lady )

I start wiggling my thumb and going "deedle deedle deedle."

dudes rock

is just try and spend more time with her outside of work and continue to build something with her.

people often peg me as a cynic at first glance and i can see why but unbeknownst to them i go and say shit like "love is the only thing that matters" completely without irony, so

hehhehheh, she's talkin about SEX everybody. friggin SEX

Soylent: "the way i learned to stay sane on the dating apps is to use them extremely passively and never get attached to a match until you've met in person, it feels bad but you have to have a bit of a wall of dehumanization in front of you on these things"

Soylent after matching with a bisexual communist w/ an androgynous haircut:

didn't know that was a thing! TIL. but no cuz this is more of a collision than a grinding of the teeth.

that thing where your top and bottom teeth knock into/scrape against each other just happened fuck my stupid little life

black man allowed to look hot and stylish in muh animu the west has fall

you are ofc largely spitting, my original post was really about just airing some beliefs that i know linger around in my subconscious but which i know are bad.

::: spoiler rambling/life context i became single about a year and a half ago after pretty much a whole adulthood not being, it has forced me to think about Mainstream Conceptions of Male Desirability more than i did before (since i date women and am trying to not stay single forever). i present in ways that make me feel attractive, but i don't really particularly fit the heternormative mold which sometimes makes me insecure.

but you're ofc right - if i'm looking for love, i want someone who finds the things that make me feel good about myself attractive, not what some abstract Average Person values. and it's totally irrational, i've had two serious-though-short-lived romances since my break up with people i found very attractive (both personally and aesthetically), they didn't work out long term but that doesn't really have anything to do with me specifically. like, there's no evidence that i'm "undesirable" (whatever that even means) to people i find desirable. i'm just not "good at" casual (something i don't even particularly like!) which makes me feel weird/insecure because i'm chafing against expectations around gender (something i don't even believe in!) :::

Idk if that all makes sense. Thanks for listening and contributing tho, appreciate ya <3

if the world finally got off its ass and made that AltGirls4SoftBoys dating app i'd have found love by now!!

(well.....lasting love, that is.... )

funny enough i just threw on eyepatch wolf's playthrough at work rn

u r spitting and i mostly feel the way you've outlined but social narratives r pervasive little buggers that still have subconscious sway sadly. one day i will harden my mind to the point that it is impervious to reactionary narratives though

Ty!!!